If A Vow

No idea where to really begin or where to head this or what I'll end up saying.

I had to know once and for all where I stood. I asked and got the answer I expected so ho hum tough luck Holly better luck next time.

I shared my previous post with a friend and he said it was scary. How is that scary? Try living with what's inside my head.

I've been sick with a stomach virus for the past few days and now the chest infection is coming back. Yay.

I haven't been sleeping well, and my appetite has gone to crazy town. Next stop, the Mad Hatter's Tea Party.

And the fact that Chris doesn't actually love me. Well. Bugger eh? Shit happens? C'est la vie? Such is life?

Forgive me, I feel used. I feel completely led on. He told me I was gorgeous. He kissed me and cuddled me and held me so close. He wanted to spend time with me. He wanted to sleep with me for crying out loud!

So I'm the idiot that fell so madly for someone who I thought and perhaps still do was perfect. Serves me right. Karma definately is a bitch.

And where my mind is at. Well. Let's just say I can't see the difference between dreams and reality.

:|

Delusion

Back inside my icy refuge. In time the frost will melt when this body of mine heats up. How on Earth can I dare to be warm? Dare to be alive? I feel as cold as these blankets. So much for moments of clarity. So much for becoming harder than stone. So much for not allowing anything permeate. Beyond hurting? Gosh. Deluded much?

Currently listening to "I know you know I know" - Tex Perkins. My mp3 player, on random, mocks me. The chirpy quirky happy ducks on the mantle across from me mock me too. At least the knife underneath this bed, directly below me doesn't mock me. Hello my friend, my shiny solace.

I walked hurriedly into the dark save the moon shining fiercely in it's full phase luminescence. The pavement glowed a gentle yet haunting pale pearl. Stop lights reflecting in the rain on the road. Seagulls squawking, crying, flying. If I close my eyes it's not cold, it's not wet, it's not night. I really am at the seaside. There really is sand running between my toes. The sun is kissing my cheeks with it's warm mouth.
Warm. Mouth. Sweat. Kisses. Love. Urgent. Want. Need.
Something pierced my heart and I'm still walking aimlessly in the night.

It's not love Holly if it's not reciprocated. You're a fool. You're pathetic. How dare you believe that you deserve something special after everything you've ever done.
No. Don't ignore me. Don't push me out. Listen to your mind. After all *I* am the one that's been with you since the moment you emerged from the nether abyss, grasped by the doctor's hand. I'm all you have. I'm the only one you can trust. I am the closest you'll ever be to love.
Now I can see you've seen my truth. Doesn't hurt so bad now does it?

You can bleed from the most malicious of wounds but the blood always ceases to flow. It clots. The wound mends. If you're lucky Holly, there won't even be a scar.
Scars are there to remind you why. Remind you of the pain you endured.

Let it flow.

Recieved

Tad the Wonder D*ck.

I don't know who you are. If you're who I think you are, then I'm sorry for the way I've made you feel. Something I lament, regret everyday. If you're not who I think you are and I don't know you at all...how can I add you?
20:44:49 01-01-06

Actually if you're who I think you are, I haven't forgotten you. And I think you think that I think you're someone else but I think I know who you are and my previous statement still stands.
20:59:22 01-01-06

I already called, you hung up. And I miss what we had, that is not a lie. And I am deeply sorry for everything that happened. Choose to believe that or not. It's up to you. And I am sorry to inform you, I have no friends. Since I moved, I've had no intentions of making any. The friends I had before I moved were the best ones I ever had and that includes you. I do class you as a friend, I'm just shit scared of you. Don't ask why, cos I dunno...just...yeah. I won't call if all you're gonna do is say no and hang up.
21:26:26 01-01-2006

It feels weird seeing you again...but a good kind of weird I guess. At least I didn't throw up. Send another if you like, I ain't goin no place for awhile.
04:51:17 02-01-2006

Hehe, you still have that top. You look good.
04:53:15 02-01-2006

Holly, you were always my first priority. And you sorta still are, I'm taking a while to reply because I'm not sitting at my PC like I was the other night. I was in the kitchen. I only come back to the computer to check if you've sent anything. And if you haven't whem I check I start to worry. Don't tell me you're my last priority even though we're not together I still hold you higher than most people I class as friends. I don't know what meant by trading then for now... I don't know what you want from me. I want to be your friend. I love being your friend. But from what you just sent me it sounds like you want more. I don't know what you meant. It could just be me being lame. I don't know.
21:28:46 06-01-2006

It might be hard for you to believe but I always thought of you. Even if I didn't really want to.
16:29:55 07-01-2006

It was my failure...if I had just trusted you instead of listening to other people things would be different. It was my failure to you as a friend and as a partner.
16:45:18 07-01-2006

I don't want to tell you what's inside of me because it scares the fuck out of me to know that I still feel that.
20:49:29 07-01-2006

You don't know what I have inside me Holly. From what you just said I can tell you don't want me to feel it either. It scares me to think that I do still think that.
20:58:03 07-01-2006

If I say it then I validate it. I don't know if I want to put it out there...
21:00:01 07-01-2006

It might break both of our hearts if I said it. I've probably said it to you millions of times and taken it for granted. And the one time I wanna say it and mean it...I can't. Because I don't want to open myself again. I promised myself I'd never open up enough to be hurt. I don't want to be hurt again.
21:04:36 07-01-2006

I'm sorry Holly but I can't tell you. Like I said, I don't want to get hurt.
21:08:10 07-01-2006

Maybe I still love you. Maybe that's why I can't tell you.
21:44:03 07-01-2006

Truth? The truth is I do love you.
21:56:07 07-01-2006

It's been dead for a long time. I don't know if it's right to love you. Especially since you have someone and since it's just going to ruin your perfect life. If I'm out of your life everything will be better.
22:12:59 07-01-2006

I'm sorry if you can't trust me Holly, but everything I said was the truth. When we were together I loved you more than anything. I wanted to marry you for fuck's sake! I just don't go around wanting to marry anyone I see. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you...
21:53:35 09-01-2006

Needless to say, he was full of shit anyway. He said he stopped talking to that Italian *whore* since she apparently cheated on him. She was the one that broke us up. Her and our supposed friends that spread rumours about me cheating. I never did. He was my life, my love, he made me sane, he helped me recover from anorexia. Why would I do something so horrible to someone I cherished so?

Turns out in the end, everything Tad said above was bullshit. He and that Italian *whore* were still together...ish. God knows. He said he stopped talking, but that was definately a lie. Somehow she got my number, my email addresses etc. She threatened to hunt me down and kill me. Called me "So ugly that even if you were hit by a train that wouldn't fix your uglyness you fat freak"

So juvenile. And she works at an Electronic games boutique in Sydney and a Lawyer's firm? For Christs sake. I pray along Bruce's lines, Karma gets her in the end.

I look back now with older eyes at those above texts Tad sent me, now I see, it was plainly f*cking with me for his own gain. To think I felt sorry for him. I guess I still do, in a different context. I don't think he was manipulated at all, I just think he's an arsehole.

Pending Arrival Part 2

To view part 1 click here.

We've been walking for what seemed like days but the sun never set nor did it rise. The clouds have not moved. The wind did not change. Sand turned to soil, Spinifex into shrubs, umbrellas to houses. The parrot decided to perch on the girls shoulder when I stooped to carry her on mine.

We have walked into a township. Residents are outside, tying branches to trees with haywire in the mud. Children are trying to ride their bicycles to be bogged again and again in the mud. The dogs seem to be having the most fun, chasing each other and splashing mud over the working adults. "That storm was a fierce one," a man said, coming over "We seem to have more storms these days. This weather is getting crazy. You look like you could both do with a rest and a feed. I'm going to make some sandwiches, come." Normally I wouldn't entrust some random stranger, especiallly if I have another so young in my care. There is something about this man that does feel familiar though. This place is familiar. Those dogs are familiar. His home is bright and aerated.

Sandwiches filled with cold meat and salad are placed in front of us and we dig in, munching in silence until he speaks. "I've just gotten back a week ago. I've had such a wonderful time away. Now this has happened and I have to start over again. Nice doll you have there," he nods to the girl. She shrinks behind me and her eyes gaze off dreamily to some unknown place. "There are people coming for you both shortly. I had a phone call before the storm came. Some friends of yours I presumed. They mentioned that there was a flight you were supposed to be on and it was delayed and that the flight cannot go ahead without both of you on board. Rest easy my friends, they shall be here soon."

What people? Why? Who?

I looked behind me to see the little girl playing with her ribbons and playing with her doll.

The ribbons reminded me of a task I had previously, of searching for a wedding dress. Simple, elegant, feminine. I never did manage to find what I was looking for, but by judging those ribbons, I had an idea.

The doorbell rings some minutes later.

To be continued....

Future Thinking

Right now my mind is at a place where I am actually thinking positively and thinking about my future.

I've been looking around at various Tertiary Institutions looking for a course or degree that suits my desire. I plan to either go down the road of the Sciences or go down the road of Organic Farming. Or both. :)

My plan is to spend my life working hard, outdoors, building something with my own two hands for my family if I ever get that blessed. Also I'd rather work with animals and plants or beakers and testtubes than with people. Less abuse. Less panic attacks. Works in well with my mental illness.

I honestly cannot afford university at this current moment. Sure I could go on the HECS scheme but who's to say I can afford to pay it all over 10 years? And still have to pay out of pocket over the course/degree duration around $20,000. Yeah, not this chicken. Not at the moment.

So I've been looking at courses that interest me and will give me some insight into the areas I might like to work in and what I actually want to learn for the sake of quenching my thirst for knowledge. There's a course in Laboratory work that I'll apply for and it starts next year. Who knows where that would take me?

It's funny. People have told me I should be many things. I should be a nurse. I should be a teacher. I should be a writer. I should be a musician. I should be a veternarian. I should be a medical doctor. My lack of self-esteem confines me to the believe that I should just hide under a rock and forget about doing anything so important.

But when I'm not feeling so depressed or suicidal or silly, right this moment for instance, I think about the future and what *I* actually want to achieve in this lifetime. I want to be a mother and a wife above all things and do something with my life that helps my family grow.

Pending Arrival

The aeroplane is ready for take off, ready to fly me to another unknown destination. The cabin is warm, snug althought quite messy with toddler toys strewn about. Surely it's a safety hazard? Abort. There's a missing child. The child isn't on the plane. "This is your Captain speaking," comes the faint crackling voice, "This flight has suffered a setback. The plane will be taxied into the terminal to commence boarding of missing passengers. There will be a significant delay and we ask you to remain seated until further direction. We thank you and apologise for the inconvienience."

Children are crying. Dogs are barking. It's getting awful stuffy in here.

"Come and help us!" a woman in brown beseeches, "We must find this child. This flight has to arrive at the destination!"

It's dark outside the cabin. Wind has started to howl, rain whipped down, a storm was threatening. What happened to the sun, to the clear day? As if the woman in brown read my thoughts, she pulled me down the aisle and off the plane. "No time to ponder on life's mysteries, dear, we have work to do. Here, take this doll and follow me."

The terminal was bustling with frantic passengers and equally as frantic Airport staff. So hot in here, I thought. There were bags of luggage left haphazardly next to the luggage carosels and in front of empty counters. Where are we going?

The woman in brown led me through a food court full of college students and blue-collared workers. Why are they all here? Sniffing the air, my stomach craved cheeseburgers and fries. "No. No time. We have work to do," came the seemingly telepathic woman in brown. We came upon a doorway although it was blocked by revelling Irishmen and an old Swaggie. The woman in brown somehow disappeared through the door, leaving myself facing these men and trying to get past.

"What's this you're trying to pull?" one asks.
"You'll never get out," said another.
"I've been out bush for months on end, searching for sacred things, searching for the wisdom lost from Abe's men for many years before mine," came the voice from the old Swaggie. "You'll find it. Aye, that much is true. It's not in the barrel here nor on the dartboard over there. Go, you have to hurry, there are wings waiting to take you."

"Thank you, bless you Sir!" I called graciously as I pushed past the Irishmen. The woman in brown was waiting. A little impatient. Tapping her feet and clucking her tongue.

We are walking barefoot on sand. There is a cool, crisp breeze sighing past my cheeks and through my hair. Children are laughing. Dogs are panting. Birds fluttering gaily to and fro. A parrot splashed with brilliant greens and purples seemed to take a liking to me and landed on my shoulder, refusing to budge. There is a little girl underneath the shade of a white umbrella.

"Over there," the woman in brown points.

I saunter towards the girl. She is about four or five years of age, soft light hair in pigtails, dressed in ribbons and an impish grin. Dark green eyes look up at me and strikes the heart of my soul. I offer the doll to her.

She stands, takes the doll with one hand and slides the other into mine. Well this is easy, I thought as we walked along the beach towards the door. Where's the door?

"Hey wait! We need to get back, where is the door?" I ask turning to face the woman in brown. She's gone. My heart sinks. I'm left on a strange beach with a missing child. This can't be good.

To be continued...

Passive

It's cold tonight and my pillows are sagging and shrinking.

I enjoy hanging out.

Say it. Say it is the only thing you care about.

I'm sorry.

Say it. I'm nothing. I'm the sizeable lump of dirt caught underneath your nail.
Say it. Say "You fucking disappoint me!"

My head is whirling. I'm here. I'm there. Where am I now?

I had a nap before therapy. Figured I was feeling exhausted from the marathons my mind was racing.

And it happened again.

I'm there, here, curled up on my bed, still in my coat, still wearing my clothes from the previous night. A force was standing next to my bed. It was my mother, her undeniable accent, booming away as I lay. What's this? Another force, my niece calling Auntie, Auntie. Giggling and bouncing about the room as I lay, still, not moving.

It's a dream, it's a dream I continued to shout silently.

Someone is lying next to me, invisible and tugging me towards them. It's a dream, why can I feel this?

I'm up at the front door. I can see my housemates have arrived home and are walking through the gate. But I am still curled up on my bed listening to the banter of the many familiar female voices in my room. I can hear my housemate walking through the house talking about work and talking about people. Doors are opened, doors are closed.

My feet are cold. I'm shivering and someone keeps pulling at me.

Mum shut up!

That's it. No, no this is just a dream, wake up, wake up, wake up. It's painful to open the eyes. They are so heavy like stone.

It's cold. I eventualy gain the courage to get off my bed and go out into the hall. I look out the front, my housemates aren't even home yet. I look at the time. Oh dear, going to be late. There goes my wine money for a fortunate cabbie that needs the fare.

Head feeling like it's been packed in cotton. Oh yes, that's right, stupid Holly was too busy pleasuring herself the previous night that she forgot her meds.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Sheesh. Holly couldn't keep her pants on long enough when it comes to Chris. You know, that guy she is absolutely smitten with. The one who doesn't want her in any other way but perhaps friendship and...well..yeah, you know.

I really missed talking to him. I missed his company. Just seeing his photo next to his words made me feel all weak and powerless inside. I had to. I had to be with him. He doesn't want to hurt me. I said, I'm beyond hurting. How can he hurt me more? I just need what I desire so badly.

He came and picked me up and we went back to his place. We watched a movie, had a drink, had a smoke and had sex. The whole time, thoughts whizzing around my head "I want this man, I want this man, I want this man." Do I?

I woke up, our arms and legs entwined. Without sounding like a sicko, I watched him, looked at what it seemed every hair on his face, his head, his neck... how simply devine the colour of his hair. How black yet so colourful his hair. His smell. His smell is so homely. When I smell it, good memories as a child are stirred up. There aren't many, but they are of the nursing kind, to send me to sleep, to chase away the badness.

Sunlight started to pour into the room onto us. I could see the dust floating around, peacefully, gracefully, rising, falling, like his sweet breath, blessing us. The dust sparkling in the light reminded me of bubbles in the sea. I felt underwater, undercover, safe and sound. The alarm kept beeping, time was running out. But for those waking hours, it felt like my lifelong mission was complete.

Winter

I love Winter. I love seeing my breath float away in front of me, to vanish at some distance. I love to slip and slide on the grass in the mornings when I feel that the crunching sound underfoot doesn't sound as fun. I love walking past houses and their gardens to see the springtime bulbs clamouring excitedly for their time to shine.

Winter for me has always been about withdrawing from life and shutting down. If it were holidays, I would spend most of it curled up in bed with a cup of tea, reading and listening to the rain. If it were school term, I'd pretty much do the same.

Sometimes I would daydream about the coming of Spring, the scent of Summer, another year, another age.
Would I be popular this year?
Will I fall in love?
Will I get straight As?

The only dream that ever came true at the end of each Winter were the tulips, hyacinths, daffodils, jonquils and the like, blooming proudly in my garden or the gardens I passed.

A friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend with weed is better.

So here is Holly, still reeling from the previous week, thighs mending from the frienzed
symphony created with some random kitchen knife she found at Grumpys.

Head still spinning with suicidal thoughts and thoughts of dinner.

I hadn't talked to my friend Stan in quite awhile. Feeling depressed and wanting his company

I dress myself up, put on my makeup and walk in the night to his house. Unfortunately
meeting Grumpy in a carpark on my way.

"Need a ride?"

"No thanks..."

"Where are you going?"

"Friends..."

"Oh....."

Stan and I met up with the promise of sex and pot and a good time. And it was achieved.

Suddenly Holly wasn't in her depressed and pessimistic state of mind anymore. She was
traversing the universe with her Space Friend Stan. She flew towards stars, she opened doors
of all shapes and sizes to one world to another. She felt each word, each thought, each
feeling accentuate and create a rhythm that her ears had never heard before.

She felt Stan shapeshift into that lover she craves so, the one who broke her heart... she
felt him shapeshift into a stranger....an animal...she felt him shapeshift back into Stan,
her friend, her Space Friend and they jumped off this planet and fell into another world.

After a time all I could hear was his breathing and the rain falling hard on the roof and I
fell into a deep slumber.

You Took My Heart...Decieved Me Right From The Start...

So what is news in the land of Holly? Or as I've come to term, Planet Zygaborthas.

Over three years of my life with Grumpy null and void. No more. It's done.

I've moved in with some friends of mine and it's nice so far.

About two weeks after Grumpy and I broke up, I was complaining to a friend online about my lack of cigarettes and dire need of said cigarettes. Sure enough, there he arrived on his motorcycle at my front door. And wow. Just wow. When he sat down on the step next to me, I could see him for the first time alone. And just wow. I honestly felt like I had been bashed around the head with a frying pan. It felt like we were only talking for an hour but when my housemate came home at 1am we were suprised we had been talking for so long. Talking and smoking. Just wow.

He invited me over to his place another night to watch movies etc... I was cool with that although I warned I was very sleepy. So he sat in his chair, I lay on his bed and tried my hardest not to fall asleep. The second movie came on and he decided to join me on the bed....suddenly we were cuddling....suddenly we were kissing....suddenly...suddenly.... Did you like me in that way too? All my emotions turned into a virtual tsunami.

Then we started hanging out more often. He'd cook sometimes and invite my housemates over too. Gosh he can cook. One night afterwards we were standing outside smoking and shivering a little in the cold. I remember seeing how his eyes were shining in the light....I've never seen such beauty in a man's eyes before. Sounds silly. He turned and said to me "You're gorgeous." Me? I'm too stuck for words for being in awe of this man.

We made love plenty of times. He to date has been the only man to ever satisfy me. With him somehow I let go of all my emotional baggage and was totally free. Totally happy. Of all the lovers I have ever had, all those things, quirks etc that I fell for, were in him all rolled into one. When I am with him I am weak in the knees, giddy, I feel like I am in one of those rare good dreams I never want to end. He's a pure fantasy but he's real. When I am without him, reality comes creeping back and swallows me back in. I'm back to same sorrowful Holly.

Time together, time apart. Crunch time. No. No he doesn't want me. He doesn't want me. Maybe still 'hang out'?

How on Earth does a heart get broken again if it's already broken?

Sure, I'm angry right this minute. But still, the thought of him still makes me swoon. Oh Holly.

As The World Turns

How quickly time flies. How emotions rise and fall; how people come and go; how the Earth day in and day out, continues to spin.

How often a heart breaks, mends with the love and warmth of another and breaks apart once more to be mended again.

How often a person draws their final breath as another draws their first.

How hard it can be to carry on and how many times one has looked back wondering why is was hard to begin with and to feel a sense of pride in what it is to be successful and never have given up that hope.

To look in the smiling eyes of the ones who have come after us. To see the hope, amazement, wonder, awe in the eyes. Did I feel the same back then?

I have been fortunate. I have been unfortunate. Such is life. I've had strength. I have been weak.

The challenge seems to get more difficult as time wears on, as the world continues to turn slowly. My strength falters more so. I'm weak, too weak, so I have cut my ties to those whom I love, those I don't want to drag down into my despair.