Brave New World

Funny feeling sitting in the waiting room of the medical centre, waiting in anticpation, babies, elderly and those waiting to be born. I have been sick as a dog for a week or so before I went to the doctor. But not the sickness I'm accustomed to. Cramping, one light pink spot and I'm left alone with the sickness. I took a test before work. Postive. At the doctor's I took another. Negative. One failed attempt at a blood test and one successful, congratulations are in order, you're pregnant.

It is still early days, I'm very happy and excited of course but there's that primitive fear deep down that I imagine lurks in most mothers-to-be.

Owen and I met online many months ago and hit it off very well as friends. I should have taken his advice then about Chris being a supermassive jerk to be gotten over. But I didn't and our relationship grew. And as it grew my thoughts of Chris the Jerk withered away.

Owen was moving down of his own accord and for his own reasons, nearer to where I live. We met up. I'm not sure if he was as shy as I was, I certainly felt like a daft and timid teenager with her first boyfriend. We of course did the deed, had an accident and I totally forgot about the ramifications, seeing it happened plenty of times when I was with Grumpy and nothing ever eventuated.

But this time something did.

Owen came again to stay with me for a week. He looked after me and attended to all my needs and for that I am grateful. Owen and I have decided to take our relationship slow and not rush into anything despite my condition. I truly believe it is for the best, we have much to learn of each other outside being parents. Although I do confess I miss him terribly and long to be snuggled in bed with him and dream the remainder of the gestation away.

I know it is early but I have a feeling I am having a girl. I do wish for her to be named Violet very much but I doubt Owen or our respective families would approve. But it is my wish.

So here it is, after writing Interchange, how aptly named it was, that I have embarked on a journey I have never taken before, one of those you've heard about and longed to travel. Holly: Mother-to-be.

I pray to the All Mighty that I have a safe pregnancy, safe delivery and a healthy baby. But I am at the mercy of God's divine Will.
Whatever will be, will be.
He works in mysterious ways.


Note: For those who have access to my facebook profile, please do not post any congratulations just yet as some parties have not been informed and I shall announce it when I enter my second trimester :D

Interchange

I've gotten off the bus as it had reached the terminus. I'm standing here weary and confused at which bus I'm supposed to take and when. Should I hang around the terminal with a coffee in hand and a cigarette dangling in the other? Or fight for a seat?

I'm standing in a hall of mirrors, so crowded here with my infinate doppelgangers. Someone, perhaps the true me, is screaming, screaming, infinately screaming. Still the mirrors do not shatter.

But I am at the terminal breathing in acrid exhaust and stale tobacco smoke. Just standing. Just tired. Just bewildered at the buses, the destinations and estimated arrivals. How long do I have to stand here?

I often wish I could jump in a car and drive to destination unknown.

Bon Voyage

Time moves simultaneously fast and slow. When I was happy I was sad, when I was sad I was happy, when I was happy I was happy and when I was sad I was sad, all the while days meandered past.



Chris is leaving for India for quite a few months and hadn't bothered to tell me nor did he think it appropriate to invite me to his farewell. Seriously, I am happy he is going. One less jerk to associate with and I can resume my shortcut walking to work, which happened to be past his house and not worry that he might think I am stalking him. (I used to walk past often, before I knew him)

And what is new on this epic journey of Holly's? Owen. Pure and simple. Another fork in the road. I am going down a new path with Owen. I shall divulge details at another time.

Seeing Double

I awoke to find myself about to roll of the edge of the bed. Decided I needed to use the bathroom so I got up. I fell flat on my face. My vision doubled and I stood again, stumbling and falling often along the way. Still seeing double.

A choir of female voices kept shouting, "Second sight! Second sight!"I found my housemate and in a panic told her my vision has doubled and promptly fell over again. She looked at me odd.

Next thing I knew I was awake, nearly falling off the bed.

Gem

An opal is like a soul. Lost inside are fiery ribbons of gold, orange, green and blue. Like a kaliedoscope, facets shift and shine infinately.

I've learned to stop separating people from good and bad. Black, grey and white. Like the Chinese concept of Yin and Yang. You have a good person with a bit of bad and a bad person with a bit of good.

I've sort of expanded on that theory. We are all gems of a particular colour with hues of others that change with light (or circumstances). I used to see myself as an Amethyst but now? Now I am a White Opal with a fiery heart.

I used to think of Mum as the good guy, Dad as the bad. In recent news I've learned about my Mother's lies and in some aspects my Father's. Came to a head. They never changed. They were always. Different facets show.

I'm not afraid of being hurt physically, emotionally or spiritually anymore. The greatest foe I've ever had, myself, defeated but still lurking in the depths of my being.

I'm lonely. I still wish for Chris or at least someone to fill his space. I'm okay. I'm learning more about myself everyday. And I like me. I'm in awe as I view the different colours radiate from me, my gem.

Fire

A friend of mine recently revealed his diagnosis and battle with clinical depression and anxiety. Another revealed that he was in that current mindstate. And another is in another of her suicide bids.

In the heat of summer when the paddocks are crowded with tussocks of dry brown grasses, when the landscape is like an overflowing tinderbox and the breeze breathes like the hot winds of a furnace, there is an odd calm, a rousing energy in the air, uncertainty, excitement.

Without warning sparks fly. The winds whip up and fire lashes its fury in the bush, in the fields and through homes, human or not. Flames lick the bark of gum trees, rogue pine explodes reminiscent of the nights of the Canberra Bush Fires seasons before. And in what seems like an instant of insanity and horror, the smoke clears and drifts lazily on. The flames have seemingly destroyed most in its path, raped the world of undergrowth.

But in tragedy, of all the death that came, triumph is seeded beneath the soil and has already begun to germinate in the heat of sorrow.

The Eyes

Snails moving in the sea of dew and silver trails
in morning gloom, in morning pride
Moving slowly, patiently watching
The all seeing, all knowing eyes of God.

Sleepy twitters of rousing birds
Silence save for the sound of the universe
moving with great energy
Stars in the eyes of God.

Mid afternoon the dew has gone
cracked shells and baked corpses
pavement stained with silver trails
and the remnants of the all seeing, all knowing
eyes of God.