Friday, February 5, 2010

It's Mia

This is going to sound pathetic. But who cares, what do I care what you think of me? These last few months I have been on a high. I have my own home now, my own space. Enjoying being a mother. And being so social it's driving me mad! I never used to be that popular. So I have a party. I informed my friends weeks/months ago about it, with reminders. People said they were coming, they didn't show up. I have so much food in my fridge and freezer now... here lies my dilemma.

I've had a few flat/depressed days in the last few weeks, nothing serious. I'm going to see.. I don't know what I am supposed to name him here, seeing one of my past mistakes shares his name and I'd not like to confuse him here. I don't know. Well... I am going to see a gentleman this coming week that I've grown close to these last few months... but suddenly drifted apart. He's not there when I need him. I guess I'm too needy I suppose. I don't want to talk about this but why am I writing about it??

I haven't thrown up (on purpose) in God knows how long. I am feeling awful right now. No. Not suicidal. But fed up. Let down. By everyone. My family, my son's father, my friends and my potential mate. I've let myself down for being to trusting and too "happy" for so long. I can hear that angry voice I kept quiet for so long now shouting again "Told you so! Told you so!" I don't deserve happiness. The closest thing to happiness I have is a fridge full of food, my fingers and my toilet bowl.

Shh. I'm returning to Mia. Fuck the world.

1 comment:

Bruce Hodder said...

Everybody deserves happiness, as sickly as that sounds.People always let you down when you arrange something like that. That's why I wouldn't do it, just in case! Although I would have come to your bash, if the bus fare hadn't been a bit prohibitive.

You have come a long way and you should be proud of yourself. Don't forget it...