Word Up

So the whole world is talking about (I bloody hope!) Heath Ledger's passing.

When I was 13 I was listening to my favourite radio programme, they were talking about this new movie coming out and played a song from it that pretty much became one of my favourite songs of all time.

"It's coming round again
the slowly creeping hand
Of time and its command
Soon enough it comes
And settles in its place
Its shadow in my face
Puts pressure in my day

This life well it's slipping right through
my hands
These days turned out nothing
Like I had planned "

These Days - Powderfinger (if you get the song, make sure it's the 99 version)

I was a very angry hurting 13 year old that just discovered 'Bulimia' cheers to my father beating me in my room and a handy garbage bag.

My sister would take myself or my brother and I out to the pictures to see whatever was on. Two Hands was one my sister and I saw, and I was so looking forward to seeing it after the reviews I heard on my favourite radio programme. That movie has been and probably will be forever, my favourite movie of all time. There have been and are so many instances when I think of that movie. I have seen it so many bloody times, different versions, etc, crikey, I could never ever ever get sick of it. One of those movies that has so many hidden innuendos in it. So devine.

And thus started high school crush on Heath Ledger.

I then saw 10 things I hate about you with my first ever proper High School boyfriend on one of our first dates and swooned some more.

Then they showed Roar on Fox8 which I watched religiously and made sure my brother taped missed episodes of it when my mother and I were in Scotland. Heath Ledger's character in Roar was Conor and for years and years and years and years I have wanted to call my first born Conor in honor of that character and my celtic roots. When my mother and I were overseas travelling from Scotland to America, The Patriot showed twice on the plane and twice long I swooned and swooned and my mother knows now just how much I am devastated by his loss. Not just a high school/teenage crush, I deeply admired him. He was too young. Sure he had issues, don't we all? But he was never as wild and wacky as Anna Nicole Smith or Pete Doherty or Amy Winehouse.

I was hoping he'd outlive me and I would go on swooning until my dying day.

Two Hands.

Favourite movie ever. With favourite actor and favourite music. (Powderfinger, Alex Lloyd, etc)

As Fucked Up As It All May Seem...I Cannot Blame This On My Father...

Blah where is Daddy Cool when you need them?

I'm feeling like utter crap. Maybe it's the hormones and the whole thing that I'm bleeding profusely because that's my womenly duties. Maybe it's working 7 days straight? Or the teenagers next door? Or workmen outside?

I'm frightened of telling my shrink when I see him about my panic/anxiety attacks, he'll just tell me I need to raise my dosage but fuck I don't think I can handle any more! I just need to work out somehow with my therapist what the hell is going on with me that causes them and how to deal. Sure, loud obscene, intrusive noises freak the fuck out of me. Like a car backfiring or teenagers blasting their gangsta rap or a workman sawing guttering.

What do I think, what do I think. I think someone is coming to get me. Someone knows where I am and they are taunting me. Hey little bitch, I might be sawing some guttering but I know you're in there and I am watching, waiting for you. Does that sound nuts? Seems perfect sense to me. Is it PTSD? I don't know. My therapist has likened it to PTSD but I'm too scared to ask properly. Sure, what has happened in my life is like a warzone, but hey, isn't that supposed to happen to everyone? I just can't help but think that anyone out there is out there to hurt me. Because that is what has happened. Not just my Dad or my family or old friends/lovers. It's just always.

Yeah fuck it. The answer is I am weak.

What happens to the weak in the wild?

Don't they just die out? Why haven't I died out?

And if I am feeling this way and having these problems, how come my siblings seem just fine just fine? Eh? Maybe because I am WEAK.

Summer Breeze

Hello :)

I just got back from my road trip with my partner and his friends on Friday. We travelled along the Great Ocean Road and then up throught the Grampians. If you haven't done the Ocean Road it is one of the things you must do before you die.

Hot summer days but the ice cool coastal breezes along the way were heavenly. Wind blown from Antarctica I imagine or hope. It was funny too, driving to Cape Otway through the bush and seeing so many Koalas. I've never seen so many in one day. Now I have seen plenty of Kangaroos, Pure blooded Dingos, Emus and Platypuses and all manner of native bird. All in my backyard, I do feel lucky.

Then it was straight back to work for two days and I have the day off today and I for one, intend to enjoy it. Just chilling out alone.

It's flooding again up in the area where my mother is but I don't think it has affected them this time. Regardless I hope the cattle are okay.

And as I type I looked over at my fish tank and they've gone and clouded up all the water again. They ripped out their plant last week and shred it to bits. Usually it would grow back but 2 days ago they went silly again and ate the stalks of their plant. I've had them for a year and a half and they've never done that before to this degree.

The internet seems to be working again. It hasn't disconnected once since yesterday afternoon.

And touching on Bruce's comment about revelry and drunken celebrations. I don't do parties. It's an occasional thing for me. Last one I went to was my next-door neighbours engagement and that was low key. New Years Eve I sat and drank alone once again. Went outside for smokes here and there and another next door neighbour had a party on. They were sitting out in their backyard and I felt so alien around this noises and laughter and pleasantries and oh I don't know but I just felt completely alien.

Our fuckwit teenage neighbours decided once again to have a party on Saturday. No notification. Who gives a fuck if I have to be up at 5am for work? At least they didn't have the music up as loud as last time and they had less people. However the baaaad music, gangsta rap and really bad techno was still pumping clearly through my bedroom and even the living room where I decided to sleep, with two fans going ear to ear in an attempt to drown the noise out and keep cool. Didn't work. Young men up and down the driveway with their drunken laughter and some idiot young woman shrieking all the time I just wanted to wring her neck. Cars tooting their horns.

Next morning when I was going to the car for work, I noticed that either the fuckwit neighbours or their friends decided to snap an old lightpost from it's foundations and left it on the grass. For what, shits and giggles?

Makes me more adamant to get a new place.

Or go on a killing spree.