Saturday, October 24, 2009

Ashtray Heart

I've been meaning to write for a long time. It has been sincerely hard. Now I am compelled to.

Yes, I gave birth to a baby boy, M. He's my world... when I am not stressed or depressed. That sounds horrid. Owen was with me for the birth. I'll write about the birth at some other point in the future.

After the birth, I guess my hormones were racing. I needed Grumpy. I wanted Grumpy. I partially grieved for the past. Even recently I bared my heart and soul to him. I can't be friends with someone who doesn't love me. Unrequited 'love'. But he talked me around.

The latest debacle in this whole sorry saga is the last straw in my 'friendship' with Grumpy. A mutual real life friend decided I had spouted lies and posted logs to one of my internet friends, which is complete bulls***. I'm not that juvenile. I even offered for him to come over and read my message history and logs. But no, he declined. Where does Grumpy fit into this? Well for starters he didn't stand up for me. He washes his hands of it and leaves me alone in the s*** that I have unwittingly been dragged into. He proceeded to text me and phone me and not say one nice thing, not even a hint of sympathy. Pretty much Grumpy is leaving alone in this. Won't defend me. Won't be a friend. And even agreed with the mutual 'friend' that it was probably me.

So that's it. He can't be a friend then he is gone. I'm debating whether or not to send him his birthday present which I got early for once. It's a waste of $80 really, to just go and give it to charity. I know, that sounds selfish. But $80 is a lot for me, who is now on welfare.

On the bright side, I had someone, who I do call a friend, be such a lovely voice of reason as I had a panic attack. The mutual friend that started all this baloney knows where I live and that is still playing on my fears.

But the voice of reason? I'm bowled over once again... and I feel like how I felt initially when Chris came around last year to deliver smokes and sit on the doorstep with me... so now I am wary. I don't want to be dealt the same way Chris treated me. I don't want to be disappointed like Owen disappointed me... I don't want to go to the dark places Grumpy took me... and I don't want to get my heart broken and soul ripped out, what Tad the wonder d*ck did to me.

I guess I just have to be myself... if people don't like that... their loss, not mine.

PS: After 4 years I finally deleted Grumpy's messages off my phone... that in itself says a lot.


allthistrouble said...

I've thought of you often. I'm glad the baby is here and safe and loved. I'm sorry you continue to wrestle with other personal troubles. They abound for everyone it seems. My own personal troubles are on the back burner as I am currently really enjoying things. Bad thing is, I still wait to lose it all and find myself back where I started. I guess that feeling is universal, too.

Bruce Hodder said...

Your articulacy about your emotions continues to move, after a bit of a lay-off! I still hide mine, a lot of the time, somewhere in the folds of the cloak I wear as crusader for Truth and Justice.

You are getting somewhere better in your life, I reckon. It's just going to take a long time when you're carrying so much. So it's good to see you put some of it down. I know how hard it is. I still carry the whole fucking lot, or nearly...

Write more, eh?

Holly said...

Thanks guys xx