As Fucked Up As It All May Seem...I Cannot Blame This On My Father...

Blah where is Daddy Cool when you need them?

I'm feeling like utter crap. Maybe it's the hormones and the whole thing that I'm bleeding profusely because that's my womenly duties. Maybe it's working 7 days straight? Or the teenagers next door? Or workmen outside?

I'm frightened of telling my shrink when I see him about my panic/anxiety attacks, he'll just tell me I need to raise my dosage but fuck I don't think I can handle any more! I just need to work out somehow with my therapist what the hell is going on with me that causes them and how to deal. Sure, loud obscene, intrusive noises freak the fuck out of me. Like a car backfiring or teenagers blasting their gangsta rap or a workman sawing guttering.

What do I think, what do I think. I think someone is coming to get me. Someone knows where I am and they are taunting me. Hey little bitch, I might be sawing some guttering but I know you're in there and I am watching, waiting for you. Does that sound nuts? Seems perfect sense to me. Is it PTSD? I don't know. My therapist has likened it to PTSD but I'm too scared to ask properly. Sure, what has happened in my life is like a warzone, but hey, isn't that supposed to happen to everyone? I just can't help but think that anyone out there is out there to hurt me. Because that is what has happened. Not just my Dad or my family or old friends/lovers. It's just always.

Yeah fuck it. The answer is I am weak.

What happens to the weak in the wild?

Don't they just die out? Why haven't I died out?

And if I am feeling this way and having these problems, how come my siblings seem just fine just fine? Eh? Maybe because I am WEAK.