Passive

It's cold tonight and my pillows are sagging and shrinking.

I enjoy hanging out.

Say it. Say it is the only thing you care about.

I'm sorry.

Say it. I'm nothing. I'm the sizeable lump of dirt caught underneath your nail.
Say it. Say "You fucking disappoint me!"

My head is whirling. I'm here. I'm there. Where am I now?

I had a nap before therapy. Figured I was feeling exhausted from the marathons my mind was racing.

And it happened again.

I'm there, here, curled up on my bed, still in my coat, still wearing my clothes from the previous night. A force was standing next to my bed. It was my mother, her undeniable accent, booming away as I lay. What's this? Another force, my niece calling Auntie, Auntie. Giggling and bouncing about the room as I lay, still, not moving.

It's a dream, it's a dream I continued to shout silently.

Someone is lying next to me, invisible and tugging me towards them. It's a dream, why can I feel this?

I'm up at the front door. I can see my housemates have arrived home and are walking through the gate. But I am still curled up on my bed listening to the banter of the many familiar female voices in my room. I can hear my housemate walking through the house talking about work and talking about people. Doors are opened, doors are closed.

My feet are cold. I'm shivering and someone keeps pulling at me.

Mum shut up!

That's it. No, no this is just a dream, wake up, wake up, wake up. It's painful to open the eyes. They are so heavy like stone.

It's cold. I eventualy gain the courage to get off my bed and go out into the hall. I look out the front, my housemates aren't even home yet. I look at the time. Oh dear, going to be late. There goes my wine money for a fortunate cabbie that needs the fare.

Head feeling like it's been packed in cotton. Oh yes, that's right, stupid Holly was too busy pleasuring herself the previous night that she forgot her meds.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Sheesh. Holly couldn't keep her pants on long enough when it comes to Chris. You know, that guy she is absolutely smitten with. The one who doesn't want her in any other way but perhaps friendship and...well..yeah, you know.

I really missed talking to him. I missed his company. Just seeing his photo next to his words made me feel all weak and powerless inside. I had to. I had to be with him. He doesn't want to hurt me. I said, I'm beyond hurting. How can he hurt me more? I just need what I desire so badly.

He came and picked me up and we went back to his place. We watched a movie, had a drink, had a smoke and had sex. The whole time, thoughts whizzing around my head "I want this man, I want this man, I want this man." Do I?

I woke up, our arms and legs entwined. Without sounding like a sicko, I watched him, looked at what it seemed every hair on his face, his head, his neck... how simply devine the colour of his hair. How black yet so colourful his hair. His smell. His smell is so homely. When I smell it, good memories as a child are stirred up. There aren't many, but they are of the nursing kind, to send me to sleep, to chase away the badness.

Sunlight started to pour into the room onto us. I could see the dust floating around, peacefully, gracefully, rising, falling, like his sweet breath, blessing us. The dust sparkling in the light reminded me of bubbles in the sea. I felt underwater, undercover, safe and sound. The alarm kept beeping, time was running out. But for those waking hours, it felt like my lifelong mission was complete.

Winter

I love Winter. I love seeing my breath float away in front of me, to vanish at some distance. I love to slip and slide on the grass in the mornings when I feel that the crunching sound underfoot doesn't sound as fun. I love walking past houses and their gardens to see the springtime bulbs clamouring excitedly for their time to shine.

Winter for me has always been about withdrawing from life and shutting down. If it were holidays, I would spend most of it curled up in bed with a cup of tea, reading and listening to the rain. If it were school term, I'd pretty much do the same.

Sometimes I would daydream about the coming of Spring, the scent of Summer, another year, another age.
Would I be popular this year?
Will I fall in love?
Will I get straight As?

The only dream that ever came true at the end of each Winter were the tulips, hyacinths, daffodils, jonquils and the like, blooming proudly in my garden or the gardens I passed.

A friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend with weed is better.

So here is Holly, still reeling from the previous week, thighs mending from the frienzed
symphony created with some random kitchen knife she found at Grumpys.

Head still spinning with suicidal thoughts and thoughts of dinner.

I hadn't talked to my friend Stan in quite awhile. Feeling depressed and wanting his company

I dress myself up, put on my makeup and walk in the night to his house. Unfortunately
meeting Grumpy in a carpark on my way.

"Need a ride?"

"No thanks..."

"Where are you going?"

"Friends..."

"Oh....."

Stan and I met up with the promise of sex and pot and a good time. And it was achieved.

Suddenly Holly wasn't in her depressed and pessimistic state of mind anymore. She was
traversing the universe with her Space Friend Stan. She flew towards stars, she opened doors
of all shapes and sizes to one world to another. She felt each word, each thought, each
feeling accentuate and create a rhythm that her ears had never heard before.

She felt Stan shapeshift into that lover she craves so, the one who broke her heart... she
felt him shapeshift into a stranger....an animal...she felt him shapeshift back into Stan,
her friend, her Space Friend and they jumped off this planet and fell into another world.

After a time all I could hear was his breathing and the rain falling hard on the roof and I
fell into a deep slumber.

You Took My Heart...Decieved Me Right From The Start...

So what is news in the land of Holly? Or as I've come to term, Planet Zygaborthas.

Over three years of my life with Grumpy null and void. No more. It's done.

I've moved in with some friends of mine and it's nice so far.

About two weeks after Grumpy and I broke up, I was complaining to a friend online about my lack of cigarettes and dire need of said cigarettes. Sure enough, there he arrived on his motorcycle at my front door. And wow. Just wow. When he sat down on the step next to me, I could see him for the first time alone. And just wow. I honestly felt like I had been bashed around the head with a frying pan. It felt like we were only talking for an hour but when my housemate came home at 1am we were suprised we had been talking for so long. Talking and smoking. Just wow.

He invited me over to his place another night to watch movies etc... I was cool with that although I warned I was very sleepy. So he sat in his chair, I lay on his bed and tried my hardest not to fall asleep. The second movie came on and he decided to join me on the bed....suddenly we were cuddling....suddenly we were kissing....suddenly...suddenly.... Did you like me in that way too? All my emotions turned into a virtual tsunami.

Then we started hanging out more often. He'd cook sometimes and invite my housemates over too. Gosh he can cook. One night afterwards we were standing outside smoking and shivering a little in the cold. I remember seeing how his eyes were shining in the light....I've never seen such beauty in a man's eyes before. Sounds silly. He turned and said to me "You're gorgeous." Me? I'm too stuck for words for being in awe of this man.

We made love plenty of times. He to date has been the only man to ever satisfy me. With him somehow I let go of all my emotional baggage and was totally free. Totally happy. Of all the lovers I have ever had, all those things, quirks etc that I fell for, were in him all rolled into one. When I am with him I am weak in the knees, giddy, I feel like I am in one of those rare good dreams I never want to end. He's a pure fantasy but he's real. When I am without him, reality comes creeping back and swallows me back in. I'm back to same sorrowful Holly.

Time together, time apart. Crunch time. No. No he doesn't want me. He doesn't want me. Maybe still 'hang out'?

How on Earth does a heart get broken again if it's already broken?

Sure, I'm angry right this minute. But still, the thought of him still makes me swoon. Oh Holly.

As The World Turns

How quickly time flies. How emotions rise and fall; how people come and go; how the Earth day in and day out, continues to spin.

How often a heart breaks, mends with the love and warmth of another and breaks apart once more to be mended again.

How often a person draws their final breath as another draws their first.

How hard it can be to carry on and how many times one has looked back wondering why is was hard to begin with and to feel a sense of pride in what it is to be successful and never have given up that hope.

To look in the smiling eyes of the ones who have come after us. To see the hope, amazement, wonder, awe in the eyes. Did I feel the same back then?

I have been fortunate. I have been unfortunate. Such is life. I've had strength. I have been weak.

The challenge seems to get more difficult as time wears on, as the world continues to turn slowly. My strength falters more so. I'm weak, too weak, so I have cut my ties to those whom I love, those I don't want to drag down into my despair.

A Place For My Head......

Hooray I have some awesome awesome super awesome news. My father and I are now talking and omg we are so alike in every way. I feel like I have fallen in love again, except this man, he is so like me it is scary. I really don't understand why I have been so afraid after all these years.