Passive

It's cold tonight and my pillows are sagging and shrinking.

I enjoy hanging out.

Say it. Say it is the only thing you care about.

I'm sorry.

Say it. I'm nothing. I'm the sizeable lump of dirt caught underneath your nail.
Say it. Say "You fucking disappoint me!"

My head is whirling. I'm here. I'm there. Where am I now?

I had a nap before therapy. Figured I was feeling exhausted from the marathons my mind was racing.

And it happened again.

I'm there, here, curled up on my bed, still in my coat, still wearing my clothes from the previous night. A force was standing next to my bed. It was my mother, her undeniable accent, booming away as I lay. What's this? Another force, my niece calling Auntie, Auntie. Giggling and bouncing about the room as I lay, still, not moving.

It's a dream, it's a dream I continued to shout silently.

Someone is lying next to me, invisible and tugging me towards them. It's a dream, why can I feel this?

I'm up at the front door. I can see my housemates have arrived home and are walking through the gate. But I am still curled up on my bed listening to the banter of the many familiar female voices in my room. I can hear my housemate walking through the house talking about work and talking about people. Doors are opened, doors are closed.

My feet are cold. I'm shivering and someone keeps pulling at me.

Mum shut up!

That's it. No, no this is just a dream, wake up, wake up, wake up. It's painful to open the eyes. They are so heavy like stone.

It's cold. I eventualy gain the courage to get off my bed and go out into the hall. I look out the front, my housemates aren't even home yet. I look at the time. Oh dear, going to be late. There goes my wine money for a fortunate cabbie that needs the fare.

Head feeling like it's been packed in cotton. Oh yes, that's right, stupid Holly was too busy pleasuring herself the previous night that she forgot her meds.