Acid Rain

The Olympics opening ceremony is due to start in just over 4 hours. Shall I watch? Of course, the occasional swimming race for me. Nothing compares to the swimming at Sydney...and feeling so patriotic from my living room. I had an old schoolmate that was participating in the Paralympics, and I watched her from Scotland...sadly she didn't do too well, but I know she's still at it. Good luck to her, wherever she is.

8 is supposed to be a lucky, prosperous number. 08/08/08. In Numerology, the date also adds up to 8. There have been quite a few earthquakes in China in the past 6 months. Lucky? Sharon Stone famously said it was their Karma. Was it? Was it the civilians? The peasants? The children? The horses? The goats?

God gives life, he taketh away.

The world is indeed changing rapidly. Hotter Summers, Colder Winters, More Earthquakes, Floods and Storms. Is it our fault? Sure. Damn right. Some blame is to lie with Mother Nature. But in science and indeed religion, everything happens for a reason. Disasters are a test of faith. Day to day living is a test of faith. The bear is about to emerge from the acid rain riddled woods and stones... Babylon is about to fall.

Not at least until the stock market completely crashes.

In other writings, Holly had another panic attack at work yesterday and then burned her hand on a grill wearing plastic gloves. And the shrink wants to see me twice a month now and my medication has been raised. Ho hum.

If A Vow

No idea where to really begin or where to head this or what I'll end up saying.

I had to know once and for all where I stood. I asked and got the answer I expected so ho hum tough luck Holly better luck next time.

I shared my previous post with a friend and he said it was scary. How is that scary? Try living with what's inside my head.

I've been sick with a stomach virus for the past few days and now the chest infection is coming back. Yay.

I haven't been sleeping well, and my appetite has gone to crazy town. Next stop, the Mad Hatter's Tea Party.

And the fact that Chris doesn't actually love me. Well. Bugger eh? Shit happens? C'est la vie? Such is life?

Forgive me, I feel used. I feel completely led on. He told me I was gorgeous. He kissed me and cuddled me and held me so close. He wanted to spend time with me. He wanted to sleep with me for crying out loud!

So I'm the idiot that fell so madly for someone who I thought and perhaps still do was perfect. Serves me right. Karma definately is a bitch.

And where my mind is at. Well. Let's just say I can't see the difference between dreams and reality.

:|

Delusion

Back inside my icy refuge. In time the frost will melt when this body of mine heats up. How on Earth can I dare to be warm? Dare to be alive? I feel as cold as these blankets. So much for moments of clarity. So much for becoming harder than stone. So much for not allowing anything permeate. Beyond hurting? Gosh. Deluded much?

Currently listening to "I know you know I know" - Tex Perkins. My mp3 player, on random, mocks me. The chirpy quirky happy ducks on the mantle across from me mock me too. At least the knife underneath this bed, directly below me doesn't mock me. Hello my friend, my shiny solace.

I walked hurriedly into the dark save the moon shining fiercely in it's full phase luminescence. The pavement glowed a gentle yet haunting pale pearl. Stop lights reflecting in the rain on the road. Seagulls squawking, crying, flying. If I close my eyes it's not cold, it's not wet, it's not night. I really am at the seaside. There really is sand running between my toes. The sun is kissing my cheeks with it's warm mouth.
Warm. Mouth. Sweat. Kisses. Love. Urgent. Want. Need.
Something pierced my heart and I'm still walking aimlessly in the night.

It's not love Holly if it's not reciprocated. You're a fool. You're pathetic. How dare you believe that you deserve something special after everything you've ever done.
No. Don't ignore me. Don't push me out. Listen to your mind. After all *I* am the one that's been with you since the moment you emerged from the nether abyss, grasped by the doctor's hand. I'm all you have. I'm the only one you can trust. I am the closest you'll ever be to love.
Now I can see you've seen my truth. Doesn't hurt so bad now does it?

You can bleed from the most malicious of wounds but the blood always ceases to flow. It clots. The wound mends. If you're lucky Holly, there won't even be a scar.
Scars are there to remind you why. Remind you of the pain you endured.

Let it flow.

Recieved

Tad the Wonder D*ck.

I don't know who you are. If you're who I think you are, then I'm sorry for the way I've made you feel. Something I lament, regret everyday. If you're not who I think you are and I don't know you at all...how can I add you?
20:44:49 01-01-06

Actually if you're who I think you are, I haven't forgotten you. And I think you think that I think you're someone else but I think I know who you are and my previous statement still stands.
20:59:22 01-01-06

I already called, you hung up. And I miss what we had, that is not a lie. And I am deeply sorry for everything that happened. Choose to believe that or not. It's up to you. And I am sorry to inform you, I have no friends. Since I moved, I've had no intentions of making any. The friends I had before I moved were the best ones I ever had and that includes you. I do class you as a friend, I'm just shit scared of you. Don't ask why, cos I dunno...just...yeah. I won't call if all you're gonna do is say no and hang up.
21:26:26 01-01-2006

It feels weird seeing you again...but a good kind of weird I guess. At least I didn't throw up. Send another if you like, I ain't goin no place for awhile.
04:51:17 02-01-2006

Hehe, you still have that top. You look good.
04:53:15 02-01-2006

Holly, you were always my first priority. And you sorta still are, I'm taking a while to reply because I'm not sitting at my PC like I was the other night. I was in the kitchen. I only come back to the computer to check if you've sent anything. And if you haven't whem I check I start to worry. Don't tell me you're my last priority even though we're not together I still hold you higher than most people I class as friends. I don't know what meant by trading then for now... I don't know what you want from me. I want to be your friend. I love being your friend. But from what you just sent me it sounds like you want more. I don't know what you meant. It could just be me being lame. I don't know.
21:28:46 06-01-2006

It might be hard for you to believe but I always thought of you. Even if I didn't really want to.
16:29:55 07-01-2006

It was my failure...if I had just trusted you instead of listening to other people things would be different. It was my failure to you as a friend and as a partner.
16:45:18 07-01-2006

I don't want to tell you what's inside of me because it scares the fuck out of me to know that I still feel that.
20:49:29 07-01-2006

You don't know what I have inside me Holly. From what you just said I can tell you don't want me to feel it either. It scares me to think that I do still think that.
20:58:03 07-01-2006

If I say it then I validate it. I don't know if I want to put it out there...
21:00:01 07-01-2006

It might break both of our hearts if I said it. I've probably said it to you millions of times and taken it for granted. And the one time I wanna say it and mean it...I can't. Because I don't want to open myself again. I promised myself I'd never open up enough to be hurt. I don't want to be hurt again.
21:04:36 07-01-2006

I'm sorry Holly but I can't tell you. Like I said, I don't want to get hurt.
21:08:10 07-01-2006

Maybe I still love you. Maybe that's why I can't tell you.
21:44:03 07-01-2006

Truth? The truth is I do love you.
21:56:07 07-01-2006

It's been dead for a long time. I don't know if it's right to love you. Especially since you have someone and since it's just going to ruin your perfect life. If I'm out of your life everything will be better.
22:12:59 07-01-2006

I'm sorry if you can't trust me Holly, but everything I said was the truth. When we were together I loved you more than anything. I wanted to marry you for fuck's sake! I just don't go around wanting to marry anyone I see. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you...
21:53:35 09-01-2006

Needless to say, he was full of shit anyway. He said he stopped talking to that Italian *whore* since she apparently cheated on him. She was the one that broke us up. Her and our supposed friends that spread rumours about me cheating. I never did. He was my life, my love, he made me sane, he helped me recover from anorexia. Why would I do something so horrible to someone I cherished so?

Turns out in the end, everything Tad said above was bullshit. He and that Italian *whore* were still together...ish. God knows. He said he stopped talking, but that was definately a lie. Somehow she got my number, my email addresses etc. She threatened to hunt me down and kill me. Called me "So ugly that even if you were hit by a train that wouldn't fix your uglyness you fat freak"

So juvenile. And she works at an Electronic games boutique in Sydney and a Lawyer's firm? For Christs sake. I pray along Bruce's lines, Karma gets her in the end.

I look back now with older eyes at those above texts Tad sent me, now I see, it was plainly f*cking with me for his own gain. To think I felt sorry for him. I guess I still do, in a different context. I don't think he was manipulated at all, I just think he's an arsehole.

Pending Arrival Part 2

To view part 1 click here.

We've been walking for what seemed like days but the sun never set nor did it rise. The clouds have not moved. The wind did not change. Sand turned to soil, Spinifex into shrubs, umbrellas to houses. The parrot decided to perch on the girls shoulder when I stooped to carry her on mine.

We have walked into a township. Residents are outside, tying branches to trees with haywire in the mud. Children are trying to ride their bicycles to be bogged again and again in the mud. The dogs seem to be having the most fun, chasing each other and splashing mud over the working adults. "That storm was a fierce one," a man said, coming over "We seem to have more storms these days. This weather is getting crazy. You look like you could both do with a rest and a feed. I'm going to make some sandwiches, come." Normally I wouldn't entrust some random stranger, especiallly if I have another so young in my care. There is something about this man that does feel familiar though. This place is familiar. Those dogs are familiar. His home is bright and aerated.

Sandwiches filled with cold meat and salad are placed in front of us and we dig in, munching in silence until he speaks. "I've just gotten back a week ago. I've had such a wonderful time away. Now this has happened and I have to start over again. Nice doll you have there," he nods to the girl. She shrinks behind me and her eyes gaze off dreamily to some unknown place. "There are people coming for you both shortly. I had a phone call before the storm came. Some friends of yours I presumed. They mentioned that there was a flight you were supposed to be on and it was delayed and that the flight cannot go ahead without both of you on board. Rest easy my friends, they shall be here soon."

What people? Why? Who?

I looked behind me to see the little girl playing with her ribbons and playing with her doll.

The ribbons reminded me of a task I had previously, of searching for a wedding dress. Simple, elegant, feminine. I never did manage to find what I was looking for, but by judging those ribbons, I had an idea.

The doorbell rings some minutes later.

To be continued....

Future Thinking

Right now my mind is at a place where I am actually thinking positively and thinking about my future.

I've been looking around at various Tertiary Institutions looking for a course or degree that suits my desire. I plan to either go down the road of the Sciences or go down the road of Organic Farming. Or both. :)

My plan is to spend my life working hard, outdoors, building something with my own two hands for my family if I ever get that blessed. Also I'd rather work with animals and plants or beakers and testtubes than with people. Less abuse. Less panic attacks. Works in well with my mental illness.

I honestly cannot afford university at this current moment. Sure I could go on the HECS scheme but who's to say I can afford to pay it all over 10 years? And still have to pay out of pocket over the course/degree duration around $20,000. Yeah, not this chicken. Not at the moment.

So I've been looking at courses that interest me and will give me some insight into the areas I might like to work in and what I actually want to learn for the sake of quenching my thirst for knowledge. There's a course in Laboratory work that I'll apply for and it starts next year. Who knows where that would take me?

It's funny. People have told me I should be many things. I should be a nurse. I should be a teacher. I should be a writer. I should be a musician. I should be a veternarian. I should be a medical doctor. My lack of self-esteem confines me to the believe that I should just hide under a rock and forget about doing anything so important.

But when I'm not feeling so depressed or suicidal or silly, right this moment for instance, I think about the future and what *I* actually want to achieve in this lifetime. I want to be a mother and a wife above all things and do something with my life that helps my family grow.

Pending Arrival

The aeroplane is ready for take off, ready to fly me to another unknown destination. The cabin is warm, snug althought quite messy with toddler toys strewn about. Surely it's a safety hazard? Abort. There's a missing child. The child isn't on the plane. "This is your Captain speaking," comes the faint crackling voice, "This flight has suffered a setback. The plane will be taxied into the terminal to commence boarding of missing passengers. There will be a significant delay and we ask you to remain seated until further direction. We thank you and apologise for the inconvienience."

Children are crying. Dogs are barking. It's getting awful stuffy in here.

"Come and help us!" a woman in brown beseeches, "We must find this child. This flight has to arrive at the destination!"

It's dark outside the cabin. Wind has started to howl, rain whipped down, a storm was threatening. What happened to the sun, to the clear day? As if the woman in brown read my thoughts, she pulled me down the aisle and off the plane. "No time to ponder on life's mysteries, dear, we have work to do. Here, take this doll and follow me."

The terminal was bustling with frantic passengers and equally as frantic Airport staff. So hot in here, I thought. There were bags of luggage left haphazardly next to the luggage carosels and in front of empty counters. Where are we going?

The woman in brown led me through a food court full of college students and blue-collared workers. Why are they all here? Sniffing the air, my stomach craved cheeseburgers and fries. "No. No time. We have work to do," came the seemingly telepathic woman in brown. We came upon a doorway although it was blocked by revelling Irishmen and an old Swaggie. The woman in brown somehow disappeared through the door, leaving myself facing these men and trying to get past.

"What's this you're trying to pull?" one asks.
"You'll never get out," said another.
"I've been out bush for months on end, searching for sacred things, searching for the wisdom lost from Abe's men for many years before mine," came the voice from the old Swaggie. "You'll find it. Aye, that much is true. It's not in the barrel here nor on the dartboard over there. Go, you have to hurry, there are wings waiting to take you."

"Thank you, bless you Sir!" I called graciously as I pushed past the Irishmen. The woman in brown was waiting. A little impatient. Tapping her feet and clucking her tongue.

We are walking barefoot on sand. There is a cool, crisp breeze sighing past my cheeks and through my hair. Children are laughing. Dogs are panting. Birds fluttering gaily to and fro. A parrot splashed with brilliant greens and purples seemed to take a liking to me and landed on my shoulder, refusing to budge. There is a little girl underneath the shade of a white umbrella.

"Over there," the woman in brown points.

I saunter towards the girl. She is about four or five years of age, soft light hair in pigtails, dressed in ribbons and an impish grin. Dark green eyes look up at me and strikes the heart of my soul. I offer the doll to her.

She stands, takes the doll with one hand and slides the other into mine. Well this is easy, I thought as we walked along the beach towards the door. Where's the door?

"Hey wait! We need to get back, where is the door?" I ask turning to face the woman in brown. She's gone. My heart sinks. I'm left on a strange beach with a missing child. This can't be good.

To be continued...