Right now my mind is at a place where I am actually thinking positively and thinking about my future.
I've been looking around at various Tertiary Institutions looking for a course or degree that suits my desire. I plan to either go down the road of the Sciences or go down the road of Organic Farming. Or both. :)
My plan is to spend my life working hard, outdoors, building something with my own two hands for my family if I ever get that blessed. Also I'd rather work with animals and plants or beakers and testtubes than with people. Less abuse. Less panic attacks. Works in well with my mental illness.
I honestly cannot afford university at this current moment. Sure I could go on the HECS scheme but who's to say I can afford to pay it all over 10 years? And still have to pay out of pocket over the course/degree duration around $20,000. Yeah, not this chicken. Not at the moment.
So I've been looking at courses that interest me and will give me some insight into the areas I might like to work in and what I actually want to learn for the sake of quenching my thirst for knowledge. There's a course in Laboratory work that I'll apply for and it starts next year. Who knows where that would take me?
It's funny. People have told me I should be many things. I should be a nurse. I should be a teacher. I should be a writer. I should be a musician. I should be a veternarian. I should be a medical doctor. My lack of self-esteem confines me to the believe that I should just hide under a rock and forget about doing anything so important.
But when I'm not feeling so depressed or suicidal or silly, right this moment for instance, I think about the future and what *I* actually want to achieve in this lifetime. I want to be a mother and a wife above all things and do something with my life that helps my family grow.
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It's lovely to hear you talk that way, Holl, knowing some of the roads you've been down. And whether anybody makes it in the long run, the moments of tranquility and clear vision in the middle of all the shit are what fortify us to go on.
All I ever wanted to be was a writer. I've never had any other desire (other than to love and be loved, which I gave up on). And I'm lucky, because the urge to be a writer always acted as my safety net when everything else went wrong. Or my refuge, if you like, from the bleeding obvious.
You are, by the way (for what the opinion of a fathead middle-aged hippie is worth), a damn good writer. I'd like to see you pursue that, probably because it's the only thing I really know. But I have a feeling you kind of have to write. So maybe your career has been chosen for you by your own blood and marrow.
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