Delusion

Back inside my icy refuge. In time the frost will melt when this body of mine heats up. How on Earth can I dare to be warm? Dare to be alive? I feel as cold as these blankets. So much for moments of clarity. So much for becoming harder than stone. So much for not allowing anything permeate. Beyond hurting? Gosh. Deluded much?

Currently listening to "I know you know I know" - Tex Perkins. My mp3 player, on random, mocks me. The chirpy quirky happy ducks on the mantle across from me mock me too. At least the knife underneath this bed, directly below me doesn't mock me. Hello my friend, my shiny solace.

I walked hurriedly into the dark save the moon shining fiercely in it's full phase luminescence. The pavement glowed a gentle yet haunting pale pearl. Stop lights reflecting in the rain on the road. Seagulls squawking, crying, flying. If I close my eyes it's not cold, it's not wet, it's not night. I really am at the seaside. There really is sand running between my toes. The sun is kissing my cheeks with it's warm mouth.
Warm. Mouth. Sweat. Kisses. Love. Urgent. Want. Need.
Something pierced my heart and I'm still walking aimlessly in the night.

It's not love Holly if it's not reciprocated. You're a fool. You're pathetic. How dare you believe that you deserve something special after everything you've ever done.
No. Don't ignore me. Don't push me out. Listen to your mind. After all *I* am the one that's been with you since the moment you emerged from the nether abyss, grasped by the doctor's hand. I'm all you have. I'm the only one you can trust. I am the closest you'll ever be to love.
Now I can see you've seen my truth. Doesn't hurt so bad now does it?

You can bleed from the most malicious of wounds but the blood always ceases to flow. It clots. The wound mends. If you're lucky Holly, there won't even be a scar.
Scars are there to remind you why. Remind you of the pain you endured.

Let it flow.